Dads and Doulas
How do dads and doulas work together to support a woman in labor? This is one of the main questions I get asked as a birth doula. The possibilities are endless. Dads and doulas flow as a team. Their dynamic will shift and change as labor progresses, but never each role is important and essential to the satisfaction of the laboring woman.
The love, knowledge, and connection to every birth is strongest with dads and moms. Birth doulas harness the loving energy that a couple has and uses it in a way that connects a family together during birth.
This post will help you better understand how dads and doulas work together and why their collaboration is key to the support of the laboring woman.
Doulas help Dads to understand their roles
Every client has a different interpretation of their roles in supporting their loved one through labor. Birth Doulas are here to support that choice and give you additional information, encouragement, and background from their experiences in birth.
Dads want to be useful and supportive, but some cannot easily see that vision. Doulas can help dads gain comfort in birth and help them find their strengths in supporting their loved one. Maybe that looks like holding the moms hand through the entire process, or repeating mantras they have practiced at home, or being the one to warm up a heating pad and retrieve ice chips.
Doulas can help bring confidence to dads while they are supporting their loved ones. Doulas often praise, give advice and reassurance to dads in their desired roles. Dads often feel a sense of empowerment, just like the women in labor feel when working with a doula. Their options are laid out for them and they can accept their roles knowing there is back up in every way.
Dads, Doulas, and Emotions
As a birth doula, if my client’s husband or boyfriend is involved, one of my main goals is to harness the love they have for one another as a strength. Pregnant women and their partners know each other best, they have been through highs and lows together, gaining a breadth of knowledge about supporting one and other through intense emotions.
Doulas offer emotional support to dads during labor as well. The Dad has emotional ties to both their laboring woman and the unborn child. Emotional support from the doula to the dad can allow him to be more present for his laboring partner. Having a doula around can also take weight off of the dad’s shoulder to be more emotionally present.
Dads and Doulas Team Up
The goal is to work as a cohesive team, each part bringing in crucial skills and experience to support the birthing person best. There is no room for ego trips from either party. The journey through labor to birth can be ever winding, short or long, and comes with many twists and turns. Things that were comforting and working to ease pain in early labor may stop randomly and finding a new rhythm is needed. Birth Doulas are there to coach the mom to be and the dad, in finding new ways that offer comfort, ease, and reassurance.
Throughout labor, there are times when the Dad is leading, and then, there is a shift when the doula leads for comfort measures but this doesn’t leave the dad out. Dads can massage, hold hands, and wipe away tears, all the while the doula is offering words of encouragement or counter pressures during contractions. In many labors I have been a part of, dads dance with the laboring mom while I do a double-hip squeeze.
Often times we set up circuits for contractions. This can look widely different based on what is most comfortable for the laborer. For example, dad supports mom for 10 contractions on the birth ball and then the birth doula supports her for another 10 contractions in a standing position. When not being physically supportive, they can be filling up water, offering verbal support or resting their eyes if rest is needed.
How Dads and Doulas work together:
Physical comfort: Both dads and doulas can hold, sway, massage, and provide physical support during contractions. They can tag each other out to get breaks or all three work together in various positions.
Emotional comfort: Both dads and doulas offer emotional support to the woman in labor, Doulas offer that same support to the father as well.
Breaks and Rest: Labor is long, everyone needs to stay hydrated, go to the bathroom, and take naps to have the highest energy to support the laboring woman.
Information: Doulas provide necessary knowledge when there is a gap. Dads know their partners.
Running Errands: grabbing food, ice chips, water, warming up heating pads
Level of participation: Doulas can help dads realize their potential, using their strengths whether that be holding a leg, wiping away tears, or storing up their energy for use during the first nights at home.
Dads and Doulas as Continuous Support
A birth doulas main priority is to support moms in labor, which happens to be the same goal as the dad. Who wouldn’t want their laboring lady to get extra support and to be cared for as a VIP? In a hospital setting, nurses, doctors, and midwives have multiple patients to attend to, along with reporting, charting, and shift turnovers. A Doula is attending to you solely, not other clients at the same time. This allows for the that continuous emotional and physical support rather than a nurse checking in every other hour.
Dads are also continuous supporters. They will be the continuous support after the hospital as well. It is important that they can offer that support, but have the resiliency and energy to be a caretaker after leaving the hospital. Having a doula present during labor and birth can allow dads to be a part of the process, but save some of their energy for the transition of a newborn at home.
Doulas priorities
Some dads worry that birth doulas have an agenda for the birth. As birth doulas, our only agenda is to support our client and birthing families in the birth preferences that feel right to them. We can give advice, anecdotes, and information, but there is and should be zero judgment in the decisions a birthing person and their partner makes. In fact, when emotions are high or labor shifts directions, birth doulas are reminding couples of their birth plan.
Birth doulas are there to support you, educate you, and help you achieve the birth of your dreams, whatever that may look like. Their participation and leading will shift, ebb and flow based on the desires of the couples wishes.
Real Life Examples of Dads and Doulas Working Together
Here are some real life examples from Dads and I working together to support their laboring women (names changed to protect privacy):
My Very First Client
Tina had just delivered her baby and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her child’s neck. Her baby needed some breathing support and oxygen for a few minutes before returning to Tina’s chest. Tina’s husband, Skyler, went with his daughter during those few minutes, while I, the birth doula, stayed by Tina’s side as the doctor monitored her bleeding and waited for delivery of the placenta. It was through my communication that Tina understood everything that was happening with her daughter. Tina was so happy that Skyler could be there with their daughter and was reassured that I was still next to her. I was able to hold her hand, coach her through some breathing, and comfort her before her daughter was placed on her chest again. Having an extra support person through those unexpected moments can help everyone stay calm and supported.
A New Year’s Baby
Larissa had a fairly standard induction process where the couple came into the hospital around 10pm on Dec 30th. The induction started with Cytotec to soften and ripen the cervix before stimulating contractions. Even though contractions did not begin until the following morning around 4am, sleep was limited. I was called in around 6:30 am. After about 3 hours of supporting Larissa with Brian, it was time he had a much needed break. Larissa and I moved to the bathroom where she sat in the tub and labored on the toilet. Brian was able to catch up on sleep and eat to regain energy that helped support Larissa into the New Year. At the time of birth, Larissa had wanted Brian to stay near her head throughout pushing. It was my job to focus on coaching her through contractions, along with her nurse, and help her steady her leg. It was Brian’s job to wipe away her sweat, get her water in between contractions, and show his love for her. It was a harmonious coupling of our skills, that helped Larissa and kept her spirits up, and welcomed their child as the first baby of the new year at our local hospital.
First Time Jitters
While I was training, I had the opportunity to float on the labor and delivery floor at a local hospital. Learning from the nurses and offering volunteer doula services gave me great experience and the ability to support folks who might not have anticipated the need for a doula. There, I met John and Jenna. After Jenna had received an epidural she started to experience intense, stress-inducing tremors. They had not been aware of the shakes, trembling, and teeth chattering that can come with transition (a stage in labor when dilating between 8-10 cm). I offered words of wisdom and information that helped ease John’s concerns, while giving Jenna context to what was happening in her body. Here, John was the main supporter, rubbing Jenna’s arm, wiping tears, and holding her tightly, while I gave them the understanding that eased worries.
Birth and Dads
At the end of the day, Dads and doulas want the same for the laboring women: to feel supported, have every need met, and to feel less pain, worry, or fears when bringing their child into this world. Dads and Doulas work together in an unlimited number of ways. They are essential to the woman’s success in achieving the birth of their dreams. One brings with them the context of love, knowledge of the pregnant woman, and how to alleviate her stress, while the other brings with much experience and knowledge of birth that can be applied and personalized to labor.
Seeing the love dads have for the moms bringing their children into the world will never cease to amaze and inspire me. Doulas do not take away that special understanding, compassion, and love dads bring to the birth world. That power is enhanced, highlighted, and strategically used to make for a more satisfying and empowering birth experience.