NAVIGATING VISITORS WHEN BABY ARRIVES
Every grandparent, family-member, and close friend has been anxiously awaiting since they found out you were pregnant to get that exciting text: would you like to meet our baby? With labor and birth being a major focus, planning for visitors and those who need-to-know on the day of birth often are after thoughts. New parents are excited to share the news of their gorgeous new child, however, visitors also bring new questions, practices, and thoughts around boundaries.
This blog post is a guide to help you navigate the field of visitors on your baby’s birthday and those early postpartum days.
We all want to show off our beautiful babies and talk about our birth journey, however, to whom, when, and how we do it are questions I recommend thinking about before that special day arrives. As a new parent, or a wise parent adding a second, third, or even seventh addition to the family, there are boundaries you will want to continue holding onto and new ones to discuss. Read on to find questions to discuss, ways to talk to family, and recommendations for all the visitors to come from those first hours to several weeks into postpartum.
WHO SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU’VE GONE INTO LABOR?
It might seem like a crazy thought in a world that loves posting about every little thing, but it's important to consider what you do and don’t want to share and with whom. You may want to come up with a need-to-know list. These people will include whoever may be helping out during your time of labor. Think, who’s watching your dog, will grandparents need to start their travel plans, or childcare for current children. For these folks, I would consider discussing a communication plan and style.
If it’s important to you, consider telling these need-to-knows what can be shared and to whom. We all know a proud grandparent who wants to share news with their relatives and friends! But let’s try to contain their excitement to people you approve of.
Some clients I work with turn off their notifications while in labor. The alerts can be distracting during contractions and take you away from that positive birth space you’ve worked hard to create. Curious friends and family sometimes add pressure to your labor by asking how much longer?, any progress?, how far dilated are you?…. Their questions come from a place of love, but are not necessary as you progress through labor.
“Who wants a live stream of my labor?”
“My water just broke, I’ll keep the updates flowing between contractions!”
24 HOURS AFTER BIRTH
Bonding with your baby in the first 24 hours is so important. When Mom and baby bond early on, this can help with healing, improve milk production, and give everyone a sense of security. For dads, having skin-to-skin time frequently and early on also changes their brain chemistry! Personally, I recommend not having visitors come to the hospital, however, everyone feels differently. Check in with your hospital’s policies regarding visitors, COVID times have changed how places operate and may limit the number of visitors you can have. If the hospital does allow visitors, setting a time limit for your guests is a great option. You need rest! Set a maximum time for the visit and if you think some visitors will have trouble respecting that, ask your nurse to be the authority figure when it's time to leave.
Coming home from the hospital is often an anxious time for first-time parents. Consider what might make you more comfortable when arriving home: having a caring friend or family member present or having it be quiet with just you, your partner, and your little bundle of joy.
THE FIRST FEW WEEKS
In those first few days into the coming weeks, your family is bonding, learning new sleeping and eating patterns, and scheduling your life around someone who communicates mostly through tears. It is not the time to be hosting! Welcome those visitors into your home who you feel comfortable being a mess around, who don’t need you to host, who can clean and cook for you, and who will support your new boundaries.
My advice is to make a list of the important chores that need to be done and post them on the entrance to your home. You can add a thank you note too, for example: We are so thankful you want to celebrate our baby. We hope that you can check off one item on our chores list while you visit. Know that we want to welcome you and are still adjusting to our new addition, please limit your stay to 2 hours. Feeding time can be stressful, do not take it personally if we leave the room or ask you to leave earlier.
Depending on your comfort level and time of year, ask to have people over but only outside. This creates a structured setting and distances them from where you might retreat to if breastfeeding. It would be wise to tell folks not to visit if they have a little tickle in their throat or consider telling guests to wear masks. It is your choice in when, how, and who gets to meet your little one. Trust your instincts and don’t let the need to be polite wash away your boundaries!
Don’t let your baby feel like a tourist attraction!
Set up those boundaries and continue to enforce them again and again and again.
SOCIAL MEDIA
When it comes to social media everyone has different expectations and usage. Figure out what your family’s comfort level is and share it with all your visitors. Add a thought about this to the welcome note on your door or bring it up as a photo is taken to remind visitors of your wishes. As someone waiting to hear the good news, it can be disappointing finding out from sources other than you. At the end of the day, these folks will get over that, but maybe set that expectation to all visitors and friends not to post anything until you announce it first?
THE VISITORS AND THE HELPERS
If you have a family member staying with you for support, think about the specific timing their support would be most helpful. Maybe wait a few days and then ask them to join for specific tasks. Or if you want to have a plan in place ahead of time, invite them to stay, but have certain hours of the day booked, as in, encourage them to leave your space for a few hours each day. Some of my clients who were particularly organized, created mini plans for their mother to do while staying with them. These included having a friend take them to the movies, the botanical gardens, or other activities giving you space to be alone with your baby.
What do you do if someone really wants to help but you don’t want them around those first few weeks? It’s hard to include some but not others, even when it’s their quirks that are keeping the distance. In some instances, you will just have to say no to visitors and helpers. And that is okay! Finding creative ways to accept their support can be uplifting for both of you. For example, ask them to start a meal train for you or if they are creative ask them to help design a baby announcement on Canva.
As with all relationships, there are changes that occur overtime. Be thankful that your priorities are shifting and know that everyone will come to understand these shifts. Continue to talk about your boundaries and reframe them as your comfort level and confidence grows. There is nothing wrong with taking a few steps forward and then a few steps back as you develop boundaries. Remember to give yourself grace while you are navigating life with your newborn! Check out some of the conversations starters below, they are a great place to begin when preparing for visitors after baby arrives.
QUESTIONS and Recommendations to consider when inviting guests:
Who is going to help us when I go into labor?
Who is consistent with their positive energy and would be a comfort to have around me during labor? Who would not make me comfortable to be around?
What brings you comfort when you are hosting people at your home? Are there family or friends that don’t make you feel like a host?
Do you want friends of family present when you arrive home? If you birth at home, do you want or need others present?
After finding your rhythm, consider what times of the day flow easier and can be a good time for gathering?
What are our boundaries and expectations when using social media around our child?
What role do these visitors have in our lives? In our child’s lives?
Can I (we) be our complete selves around this visitor?
Will I be comfortable feeding my child around them? Do I plan to ask people to leave or excuse myself to a different room if I don’t want to feed in front of them?
Will this person judge my parenting, make comments, or otherwise upset me?
Turn off your notifications when you go into labor.
Set clear ground rules for who needs updates vs. who wants updates, and when you will give the updates.
Have a welcome sign on your door with visit expectations, chores, and a thank you!
Don’t let visitors kiss your baby.
Always trust your instincts.
Think about your current community and how you want it to look after your baby arrives